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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT BARACK OBAMA
Q: Is he single?
Q: Can I have his number? I promise I won't call him, I just need it for my files.
Q: Can't we just swap him for the current president?
A: People always talk about how prescient the framers of the Constitution were, but no, we cannot.
Q: If I put in headphones and listen to him saying "yes we can" over and over again on a loop, does it count as cheating?
A: Every relationship is different, but they all have a little room for Barack Obama.
Q: Where does he rank among 21st-century presidents?
A: First. But honestly, that's not saying a lot.
Q: Did he really deserve the Nobel Peace Prize?
A: We'll just say this: he deserved it more than Woodrow Wilson did.
Q: How can I travel back in time and tell myself not to take him for granted?
A: Wormhole. Your best bet is a wormhole in space.